I can’t believe I’ve got a teenager, a tween, and a nine-year old. Lately, my 13-year-old son has seemed a little “off,” and other adults have said, “Oh, 
he’s just being a typical teen. I don’t want that. I want to continue to be able to talk openly and honestly with him. So, when these tips came across my email today, they couldn’t have arrived at a more perfect time. They’re from Dr. John Duffy, author of The Available Parent: Radical Optimism for Raising Teens and Tweens. I’m going to put these tips in action the very next chance I get, which may very well be when my son walks through the door after school today.
1. Save Your Breath: Lectures Never Work
The lecture doesn’t work because it is a closed form of communication. There is no back-and-forth to it. I recommend instead open discussions, outside the drama and high anxiety of crises. Instead, try this: “Listen, I’ve noticed lately that your grades have been slipping, and I’m really concerned. What’s going on? How can I help?”
2. Be an Emotional Role Model
Often, taking care of your teen means taking care of yourself first. As a parent, you need to know and understand your own emotional life well in order to model emotional management for your teenager. Just telling your teenager to “get himself under control” does not suffice. You need to exhibit and model self-control and emotional self-awareness.
3. Be Careful About Judgments
If we have a negative vibe about a friend or potential boyfriend or girlfriend, we need to make our feelings known. We need to do it in the context of an open conversation. Sit him down and ask about his new friends in a nonjudgmental way. Let him know your concerns. Stay away from judging phrases. And don’t mandate that he stop seeing certain people. Perhaps toughest of all, be prepared to be wrong.
4. Laugh it Up, Wise Guy!
Laughter also contributes greatly to the richness of your relationship with your child. If you can laugh with your child during the smooth times, your relationship will be all the more resilient during the rough times. Laugh during the rough times — you’ll find connections and solutions come so much easier. Laughter brightens even the darkest of days.
5. Protect Time
When you’re with your child, turn off the Blackberry. Don’t answer the iPhone. The mail can wait. Make eye contact with your child, not the little screen. Let your child know that spending time with him, right now, is the most important thing. Not because you want it to appear that way, but because it truly is that way.
These valuable tips may get your teen or tween to open up and not shut down on you. Keep an open mind, and try to remember what it was like when you were a teenager too. They were hard years, but we all managed to get through them. By being a caring parent, we can make it all that more easy for our kids!
great advice….looking forward to reading this book!! i have a 13 year old son that as of late i dont seem to know how to communicate with him. we have always been close but recently he doesnt want to have those little talks with me about his friends and his girlfriends (which is something new just happening in his life) dont know if i am trying to hold on too tight and maybe need to loosen the apron strings a bit?? as he is growing i find myself having growing pains!!