Before I get to my blog of the day just want to congratulate our TWO ECOBAG giveaway winners...Suanne Giddings and Veronica Garrett .. and thanks for sharing your AHA moments!
When I married my husband 10 years ago- like many blushing brides I had my life neatly planned out... and you know what they say, people make plans and G-d laughs... or something like that. I was sure that my husband a well-established double board certified kidney specialist, who was 15 years my senior, would keep putting on his white coat- and dialyzing patients until well into his seventies.
Did I know that he was not quite happy being a doctor when we met- yes. Did I care? probably not as much as I should’ve. I really figured anyone who would sacrifice their twenties and early thirties to fully entrench themselves in medical school, internship, fellowship and 24-hour on calls day after day- had got to be in it for the long haul.
So I did what any good wife would, I let him lament about his non-compliant patient grievances, the sky-rocketing costs of malpractice and his general and increasing disdain for a profession that had once been a passion. I think so many of us enter our jobs with the bright earnest hope of making a difference and then somewhere along the way we lose that initial spark that propelled us in that field.
But I really began to worry when my husband’s discontent began to manifest itself in the form of phone calls- during his daily commute that went something like this... Melissa I feel like I want to drive my car off the bridge...I feel like I can't breathe...I don’t think I can do this anymore...
Of course up until that point I was happy to dismiss his rumblings as the typical job disdain-- which I think we all experience throughout our careers- but when he uttered those statements- I couldn't ignore it anymore. And yet- for those first few weeks- the selfish part of me- who didn’t want to give up the privileges his career afforded me- lased out at him- with pretty harsh statements like; "Are you fuc*$#g kidding me? You're not going to be a doctor anymore- what is wrong with you? You can't do this to us, (at this point I was pregnant with our second child, and I'm sure hormonally raging) I don’t care; figure your sh#t out- because you can't turn our lives upside down."
His admission that he was ready to simply walk away from being a doctor, forced me to confront the fact that when I married him-I did so under the pretense that I would never have to consider our financial future- and now the future I had envisioned was being completely turned on its head and I was forced to question everything about the man I married and my deep- seated reasons for doing so.
This post as my life is a work in progress- I'd like to tie it up neatly and write that our lives are so much fuller as a result of this experience. While there is truth to that... my husband at 51 years old has decided to be a NYC teaching fellow- and teach high school biology to students at whatever high risk school he is finally accepted to while he earns a master’s degree as a teacher. I know that both financially and emotionally we are on a completely new path in our marriage and as a family, and I'm not sure where that road will take us.
Of course I admire his ability to reinvent himself and to enter a new and unchartered field, with the exuberance of a fresh out of college graduate with aspirations to have an impact and yet there is a small part of me that mourns the life I thought I would have and sometimes I find myself still hoping that this is all just a bad dream. I guess those vows we take to love through good times and bad- are really being put to the test… I hope I pass!
Maybe all I really need is an Oprah producer to come to my house, interview my husband as he waxes poetically about his life-altering career change set to a fabulous score by Michael Giacchino and a riveting photo montage of him hitting the books, hanging up his stethoscope and white coat, bouncing our kids on his knees- as I wrap my arms around him, lovingly. Unfortunately real life pales in comparison to those expertly edited TV segments...
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