Being that today is father's day-- as the mom of a four-year-old son who I hope one day will be celebrating Father's day surrounded by bouncing babies of his own, I am on a mission to find out the secret to these little men- whose delicate psyches and future fatherhood skills are so utterly dependent on how we choose to mother them.
While I'm all for smothering him with kisses as often as possible which at this stage of his life seems to be tolerated and even reciprocated fairly easily and in public- I know as he gets older I will be up against many challenges and am desparate to keep our bond strong and our communication open.
So I asked Hadassah Sabo Milner a proud mommy blogger and 30-something mother of four boys, ages 13,12,11 and 7 who's been there and done that to guest post for me today on the topic of raising boys and here's her most EYE -opening take on the subject!
Oh Boy!
I was recently asked the question on Twitter – what is the secret to bonding with your boys? My initial off the cuff response was “secret? i dunno, they just know i worship them, love them to pieces, respect them as individuals...oh and i can burp the vowels!!!”
It might seem very flippant, but I think in less than 140 characters I encapsulated what it means to be a mom to boys. I am blessed with 4 sons, and I have been a single mommy to them for the last 3+ years. Thankfully I recently remarried, although due to Visa requirements we are not yet living all together.
I adore my boys to pieces. I am the luckiest mother in the whole world, as I have the world’s best boys. I was specially chosen to give birth to them and I am thankful for that every single day of my life. My life is so sweet because of them. I don’t miss an opportunity to tell them I love them, to squeeze a (facial) cheek, to stroke an arm, to cuddle and hug. I listen to them – but I also tell them they are boring me rigid when they talk hockey. I call on them to be the big strong men and squish spiders while I stand on the table screaming. I help them with homework and teach them how to make beds and do laundry.
Even though my oldest is way bigger than me (and is only almost 14) he knows my arms are always open to him. He came for a cuddle the other night, and we talked well into the night about hopes and dreams. The others do the same but their hopes and dreams seem to sometimes still be stuck in which lego set can I get her to buy me next? We discuss everything, and they are starting to understand the difference between men and women, mainly because they see how different their mother is from them.
The other day I ran to school to pick up the little one. He just turned 7. It was raining cats and dogs and I had no umbrella. So we ran home in the rain and he said to me “Ima, why are you wearing such pretty shoes in the rain?” – I have taught them that women / girls like pretty things, but that they aren’t always practical. They understand there is no rhyme and reason to this. It’s an important lesson!! When this one was 5 we were at the store and he asked me for a toy car. I told him he had a ton at home that he doesn’t play with. He told me “But Ima, you always say you can’t have enough shoes, well I can’t have enough cars”….
I have always spoken to them as people. Not babies. I use grown up words and am well impressed when they use big words in regular conversations. When my oldest joined us at a meeting with professionals and he had something he wanted to say, he said, “Excuse me, may I just interject….” – he was 11 at the time.
They know, my rambunctious boys, that they are loved by me unconditionally. One of my sons broke my favourite salt shaker yesterday – in the shape of an elephant. I loved using it – it was a gift from a dear dear friend. He came to me straight away to tell me, and was scared I would be upset. I put my arms around him and praised him for being truthful and coming to tell me right away. There have been times when the kids have been suspended or sent home from school. They know every time that no matter what they did or didn’t do, there is a hug waiting for them, and that I will listen. I may not agree with them, but I will always listen before disciplining appropriately. They know that my arms are a safe place for them to cry and vent, and that I would never tell their friends that they have shed a tear. I try to not kiss them in public, but sometimes it’s hard to resist their yumminess.
They have come to me already with very awkward questions. I have always striven to answer every question honestly and age appropriately. It isn’t always easy. (But why do they generally ask these questions when I am driving? )
I think, for the most part, I parent them as if they are children, not making a distinction between male and female. All children need love and affection and validation. But there are parts of rearing boys that a mommy has to adjust to as male stuff can be different.
There are things which boys do naturally – give them a Barbie to play with and they will turn her into a gun. They make the vroom vroom sound with cars as soon as they are born, and for most of their young lives you will be tripping over legos.
Boys are loud and smelly and hate to bathe. Dirt is their best friend. When they were little we used those soap crayons so it would be fun to get clean. They started using deodorant and for a time they thought it wasn’t necessary to shower to smell nice, just spray on more Axe. (sometimes even Old Spice…eek). Clean clothes are to put away in the closet, if it didn’t make it to the laundry hamper by accident or design, well, apparently, it means that it’s wearable.
We try to always eat dinner together. The kids understand the work that is involved and they contribute with setting the table, washing veggies – everyone has to help. One thing I noticed early on is that boys talk a lot about bodily functions and love making noises from their various orifices, and its usually at suppertime, because then they have a captive audience.
Initially I was grossed out. I am after all a total girlie girl who wouldn’t dream of passing wind in front of anyone, let alone smelling someone else’s armpit at the table. It seems, however, that boys of a certain age are totally entertained by this kind of behaviour. I have let them know that in polite company we behave well. Occasionally I will ignore my own rules and out-burp them. They like pouring me soda so I can burp louder. They even boasted to my stepkids that I can burp better than anyone. That is status, folks!! But when we are out in public they know how to behave. If they are being particularly obnoxious the easiest way to get them to stop is to start talking about how long I was in labour with each of them….talk about grossing them out!!
They hate shopping with a passion – unless you go to the Walmart and allow them to visit the toy section. When they misbehave they have to stick with me. When they misbehave continually, I threaten them with a trip through the lingerie section. All of a sudden I have angels with me!! Being a girl has advantages!
I think there is a fine line between always being the parent, and wanting to be the kid’s friend. I am not their friend, I am their mom. Sometimes, yes, the line is blurred, especially when I am blubbering high on a stool because there is a teeny weeny spider poised to take my life….. but all in all I do believe it all comes down to respect. I respect them each as individuals. They know that I may not always agree with them, but they know it’s ok to disagree occasionally so long as it’s done respectfully. Certain things are non negotiable however– room cleanliness etc.
Boys need a place to be able to be loud, messy and rambunctious, but they also need to know they are loved and cherished and safe. It’s not an easy balance, but it is one I strive to maintain every single day.
For more pearls of wisdom from Hadassah a proud mommy blogger who recently married her true love (read about their romance here ) and currently lives with her boys in Montreal and is waiting for the USA to issue them visas so they can all move in with their new fella in NY you can read her here In the Pink
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hello,hi happy to see your article
